Wow! I have not blogged in quite some time - more like 2 years. Today I re-read some of my earlier posts. Upon my reflection I am just wowed by how much I have grown as an individual. It is true what they say about who you are at 20 is not who you will be at 30.
My last blog was about trust, the revolving account. Looking back - what the F' was I thinking?? TRUST YOUR GUT LADIES!!! (update- bf in that blog - out the door. He publically threw me up against a wall in a drunken fit and proceeded to choke me out until some kind gentlemen helped me out. Note - I have a new rule for men - When it doubt, throw him out!)
Today I am so much more comfortable with who I am. I know what my hard limits are and I'm not willing to compromise my self standards.
Let's talk more about this later, friends.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Friday, November 26, 2010
Trust- a revolvoing account for all
Good afternoon, Bloggers. There seems to be one issue in my life that I can't get a grip on - trust. It is something that if freely given, taken away by betrayal, and rightfully re-earned. or so it should be. .... for me my past is consumed of lies. Lies from everyone I've ever trusted whole heartedly.
It began for me at birth. My brother, who was my sole icon, was only half-brother. This was never revealed to me by my parents. The way I found out was through a very strange phone call from my half-sister (who I did know about but didn't really understand then) when I was just eleven years old. She told me her age and I put two and two together and realized that she was between me and my brother. Distraught and confused- I could only think that my father had cheated on my mother. Of course me being the ever confrontational person that I am went directly to the immediately. "Dad, how come you cheated on Mom?" "What?! - I've never had an affair. What is going on?" "Sister called and she's 15. If Brother is 21 and I'm 11 - then you had to have an affair!" "No, no, no (chuckle) -- Mom, we have a curious little girl who needs some explaining." (Mom)" You Dad and I were both married before. This doesn't mean that your Brother is any less your Brother. Your father adopted him. Just because you aren't full blood doesn't mean that you are any different than before."
Thanks parents. Then my Mom went on while in high school, shortly after my father died, and lied about money, business, you name it. I even co-signed on a loan with her so that she would have a vehicle to drive after hers blew up. Guess what- she dropped the ball on it and it was repo'd. Suck suck suck. Nevertheless, after realizing my mother as a hibitual liar, I forgave and accepted that is just Mom. Love her just as she is.
My next experience in lying was from my now ex-husband. Can you guess how that ended? Oh wait, let me just say that this all happened in six months and the mistress was really a mister. How's that for alarming?
So now, here I am. Renewed. Refreshed. and still wanting to be Rebirthed. I know that God works in mysterious ways and that to experience the unending love He provide, that I must trust Him wholeheartedly and without question. Today, I find myself in a full on romatic relationship of two years. I love this man so entirely that I think I may be losing my mind. He is such a caring and loving partner. He adores me though he isn't the mushy kind to make a deal of it in front of others or with roses and romatic jibberish. He takes care of my when I am sick, he has adopted my pups as his own (which we all lovingly refer to eachother as Mommy & Daddy), and takes me on the most amazing trips around the country.
My problem- I just feel like I have to keep my defenses up. Why???? I can only keep returning to the issue that involved my ex-husband. His mister was a good friend of his. One that fought with him and messaged him in the wierdest times. I am now so worried that I can't trust my love to have friends. That is so selfish and ridiculous of me. I know that if I can't get over my emotions - they will control me and eventually grind away at the new love that I've found.
Problem is - my new love has become so fed up with my ridiculousnes that he has started making little white lies. Lies only about his past because from what I did know about his past, I went nuts. No exes (even if they were just dates) on FB, no photos with them in it, no journals, no furniture that you had together, no gifts, nothing. I'm driving myself crazy.
While I should be ravishing and rolled up in the love of this man, I am too busy obsessing about what has happened in the past and worrying that he loves me more than he has ever loved before.
Suggestions, comments, anything would be appreciated. Please tell me that I am not alone.
It began for me at birth. My brother, who was my sole icon, was only half-brother. This was never revealed to me by my parents. The way I found out was through a very strange phone call from my half-sister (who I did know about but didn't really understand then) when I was just eleven years old. She told me her age and I put two and two together and realized that she was between me and my brother. Distraught and confused- I could only think that my father had cheated on my mother. Of course me being the ever confrontational person that I am went directly to the immediately. "Dad, how come you cheated on Mom?" "What?! - I've never had an affair. What is going on?" "Sister called and she's 15. If Brother is 21 and I'm 11 - then you had to have an affair!" "No, no, no (chuckle) -- Mom, we have a curious little girl who needs some explaining." (Mom)" You Dad and I were both married before. This doesn't mean that your Brother is any less your Brother. Your father adopted him. Just because you aren't full blood doesn't mean that you are any different than before."
Thanks parents. Then my Mom went on while in high school, shortly after my father died, and lied about money, business, you name it. I even co-signed on a loan with her so that she would have a vehicle to drive after hers blew up. Guess what- she dropped the ball on it and it was repo'd. Suck suck suck. Nevertheless, after realizing my mother as a hibitual liar, I forgave and accepted that is just Mom. Love her just as she is.
My next experience in lying was from my now ex-husband. Can you guess how that ended? Oh wait, let me just say that this all happened in six months and the mistress was really a mister. How's that for alarming?
So now, here I am. Renewed. Refreshed. and still wanting to be Rebirthed. I know that God works in mysterious ways and that to experience the unending love He provide, that I must trust Him wholeheartedly and without question. Today, I find myself in a full on romatic relationship of two years. I love this man so entirely that I think I may be losing my mind. He is such a caring and loving partner. He adores me though he isn't the mushy kind to make a deal of it in front of others or with roses and romatic jibberish. He takes care of my when I am sick, he has adopted my pups as his own (which we all lovingly refer to eachother as Mommy & Daddy), and takes me on the most amazing trips around the country.
My problem- I just feel like I have to keep my defenses up. Why???? I can only keep returning to the issue that involved my ex-husband. His mister was a good friend of his. One that fought with him and messaged him in the wierdest times. I am now so worried that I can't trust my love to have friends. That is so selfish and ridiculous of me. I know that if I can't get over my emotions - they will control me and eventually grind away at the new love that I've found.
Problem is - my new love has become so fed up with my ridiculousnes that he has started making little white lies. Lies only about his past because from what I did know about his past, I went nuts. No exes (even if they were just dates) on FB, no photos with them in it, no journals, no furniture that you had together, no gifts, nothing. I'm driving myself crazy.
While I should be ravishing and rolled up in the love of this man, I am too busy obsessing about what has happened in the past and worrying that he loves me more than he has ever loved before.
Suggestions, comments, anything would be appreciated. Please tell me that I am not alone.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Why Why oh Why
It's been a while since I've posted. I guess that's the life of a twenty-something woman. It's a bit fast paced. So today's topic on my mind is that of the break up(s). I am inspired to write because two of my dearest friends have decided to part ways. The reason - mutual respect. While one side of me wants to reach out and knock them both in the head the other side of me is a reflection of myself and the experiences that I have had.
This idea of mutual respect is something that I myself have struggled with and have seen many many other couples struggle in the grasp for identity as a "we." The most common way this little monster shows itself is in the topic of heterosexual friendships.
From a females perspective, we find ourselves in relationships with great wonderful men that fulfill our every needs, but seem to think that "hanging out" with another female friend alone is acceptable. It is not. Anyone woman worth her weight knows that all siingle girls are out to mingle and if we want special time alone with a guy our goal is to rope him into our seduction to have him for ourselves. Guys just don't seem to understand that women are not the little princesses that they imagined in their dreams. You know the ones who carry daisies and can't think of anything evil. The truth of our existence is to procreate. We want that tall handsome guy who is compassionate, loyal, and everyones' favorite friend. Trouble is - those guys always seem to appear in relationships.
From a males perspective, they just don't want to be harnessed. Their significant other should not be a whip snapping guardian. No one holds the rights to tell them who and what they can or can not do. So when a woman brings up the idea that they disapprove of the "hang out" time with another female "friend" they flip. Like a caged animal burning with fire frantically trying to escape, that is just what they do. They push they scream and their ultimate way to find safety is to escape, with no concern if they injure themselves in the process.
I've seen it time and time again and to me the only resolve is to just shout! It is not okay! It is not okay! Femals and males don't just "hang out" unless one or more parties has a different perogative than just friends. Single time is precious and those 6 hours that you have between work and sleep just aren't mean to be wasted with some "no product" prospect.
Guys wake up! Girls want men! We don't think you're out to get laid, but we know that girls want commitment and will do anything to have all your attention. It just is not appropriate to put yourself in a situation where compromises or perogatives can be encouraged.
So for the journey we are creating, this is the thought for the day. I hope my dear friends can come to an agreement. I really do.
This idea of mutual respect is something that I myself have struggled with and have seen many many other couples struggle in the grasp for identity as a "we." The most common way this little monster shows itself is in the topic of heterosexual friendships.
From a females perspective, we find ourselves in relationships with great wonderful men that fulfill our every needs, but seem to think that "hanging out" with another female friend alone is acceptable. It is not. Anyone woman worth her weight knows that all siingle girls are out to mingle and if we want special time alone with a guy our goal is to rope him into our seduction to have him for ourselves. Guys just don't seem to understand that women are not the little princesses that they imagined in their dreams. You know the ones who carry daisies and can't think of anything evil. The truth of our existence is to procreate. We want that tall handsome guy who is compassionate, loyal, and everyones' favorite friend. Trouble is - those guys always seem to appear in relationships.
From a males perspective, they just don't want to be harnessed. Their significant other should not be a whip snapping guardian. No one holds the rights to tell them who and what they can or can not do. So when a woman brings up the idea that they disapprove of the "hang out" time with another female "friend" they flip. Like a caged animal burning with fire frantically trying to escape, that is just what they do. They push they scream and their ultimate way to find safety is to escape, with no concern if they injure themselves in the process.
I've seen it time and time again and to me the only resolve is to just shout! It is not okay! It is not okay! Femals and males don't just "hang out" unless one or more parties has a different perogative than just friends. Single time is precious and those 6 hours that you have between work and sleep just aren't mean to be wasted with some "no product" prospect.
Guys wake up! Girls want men! We don't think you're out to get laid, but we know that girls want commitment and will do anything to have all your attention. It just is not appropriate to put yourself in a situation where compromises or perogatives can be encouraged.
So for the journey we are creating, this is the thought for the day. I hope my dear friends can come to an agreement. I really do.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
The Besties
Okay girls, you know that one person other than your momma who you'd let go into the doctors office with you.... that's right, your Bestie! These girls are the real deal. The ones who have cried with you in your heartache, shook their fists at the moon with you, laughed until soda came out your nose, and would be there for you even if you were under concrete. As ACDC would say, to those about to rock, we salute you!!!
Today's blog is a special thanks and recognition to these ladies. Without you, surviving our twenties would be unbearable. Who else would even understand what you are talking about? Exactly.
So go today and tell that special someone just how much they mean to you. Yep, get up out of your chair, pick up the phone, or put on your walking shoes and go tell them. They deserve to hear it. It just might be the thing they need today.
Go on, get outta here!
Today's blog is a special thanks and recognition to these ladies. Without you, surviving our twenties would be unbearable. Who else would even understand what you are talking about? Exactly.
So go today and tell that special someone just how much they mean to you. Yep, get up out of your chair, pick up the phone, or put on your walking shoes and go tell them. They deserve to hear it. It just might be the thing they need today.
Go on, get outta here!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Exam Cram...wait no, scram!
What better way to start the day than a sausage biscuit? This is my routine: every morning on my way in to work, I grab an o' so delicious sausage biscuit and large diet coke from BK. The soft buttery texture combined with the sweet yet spicy splendor help to make my mind free to be productive and creative.
I consider myself to be one of the very fortunate souls who can honestly say that I love my job. Accounting....yep, I said it. I love accounting. From the time that I was a wee gal I've counted my steps, made the organized plans, "mother hen"ed the events, and found every last detail.
People have the wrong impression about accounting though. They think of the "Producers" wonderful scene of green bills and arm bands clinking around on ten keys while scrutinizing over-sized journal ledgers and hating the wordly existence of life. Not the case my friends. Today's accounting is creative and not in the sketchy way. It takes skill and profieciency to deal with today's complex accounts and issues. I am constantly having to find creative ways to solve problems.
So everyday, I eat my biscuit, light my jar candle (ambiance isn't just for the bedroom), and begin to unravel the comings and goings of life in it's greatest form. Money. "Money makes the world go around, the world go around" (Cabaret). I sit in my office and enjoy the peace that the solidity of the numbers provides. I find rythmn in its consistency. Not that everday is peachy, but I can say that I do my best and at the end of the day, I hang my hat with comfort.
At home, I settle into a comfy spot on the couch. Enjoy an episode of my favorite show, "Ghost Whisperer" and relax with the love of my life. After I unwind, I get the pleasure, and I do mean pleasure, of cooking. I love to eat and it makes sense that I love to cook. Not just cooking, but creating. Everytime I step up and hold those beautifully sharpened knives and engulf myself in the smell that olive oil releases right as it reaches the optimal heat, I release my soul into a sphere that I am certain God created just so I would know what a small taste of heaven might be.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
The Other WoMAN
This blog is perhaps a continuation of my frustration with being a band girlfriend. When you date a guy in the band, you date the band. This requires that you trust these guys, love them, and support them just as much as your guy. They are the ones that your man will get advice from, be held accountable to, and vent to. You must be careful in how you treat them. They are like brothers to your guy.
Now to give you a little background: this is not my first go round with being a band girlfriend. However, this is my first time not being with the front man. I am with the drummer. My guy's relationship is one of that to an employer. He can't piss the front man off. However, I don't think he ever would. My man grew up in a fairly conservative upper middle class family. He got married early, then divorced soon after. He then went to college and got a degree. His degree was in Christian studies. He went into the ministry, met the front guy of his band, learned how to play djembe, started playing a few nights a week, left the ministry, and now this is his dream. He puts the front guy up on a pedestal. To me, it is so ridiculous.
He sees him as a good father, loving husband, overall great guy. I see him as a hypocrite jerk who likes to have that appearance but who is constantly womanizing, asking women to show their tits, hugging and kissing on different women at the bar. While my man is great, the company he is keeping isn't so. But you can't just disasssociate yourself because he is the man bringing in the money. I don't think that our front guy is a bad guy, but he needs to rope himself in a bit.
Now, here is where the kicker lies for me today. They have started traveling together. Yes, a gig in a major US city. One that my guy and me went and visited this summer together. Now this is how I feel: I am uber excited for them! I think it is great that they are getting to go somewhere and be heard, this will give them a chance to open up their fan base and get their name out there, I am proud for them. but I just can't help being a little paranoid that the front man will try to pull my man down. My guy will pretty much go along with anything he says because he doesn't want to upset him. No backbone that I have seen. This is the wierd part: they are going up there a day earlier than when they have to play and don't leave until the afternoon of the next day after they play. What are they going to do with their free time? Tour the city a bit, see a major landmark that we were not able to see (first thing that came out of my bf's mouth, thanks jerk) and then what in the evening. When they went to Nashville earlier this year they did a bar crawl, sang karaokee, and then passed out at the hotel. Thing was they were with another guy in the band who is undoubtedly the greatest guy ever. He would stand up in a second to let the others now that in their drunken states they were going too far.
I trust my man. I really do. I think he is a stand up guy and a wonderful man. I think that his idolization of the front man is too much and I am worried that if the situation came up where the front man found a group of girls to woo that my man wouldn't say "na' we're good" or if the front guy decided it would be great to go to a strip club that my guy would go along. This is ridiculous the way I feel and I recognize this.
When I tried approaching my guy about this, he gets very angry thinking that I don't trust him. I do, but his infatuation scares me. why one might ask? because my last band guy had an infatuation with his rythmn guy and it wound up being a gay relationship that they were hiding. Infatuations with anyone are not good. I just wish someone was going with them that I knew would be responsible in holding them accountable.
It would make me feel so much better if when I talked to him that he would respond in a better way sot aht I knew he wasn't holding it against me when he goes up there. This shit fucking sucks. I am so upset because I know that they are going to tour together in the future and I am not always going to be there. He is setting the foundation pretty shakey right now. I almost want to run because of this. I am scared. What do I do?
Now to give you a little background: this is not my first go round with being a band girlfriend. However, this is my first time not being with the front man. I am with the drummer. My guy's relationship is one of that to an employer. He can't piss the front man off. However, I don't think he ever would. My man grew up in a fairly conservative upper middle class family. He got married early, then divorced soon after. He then went to college and got a degree. His degree was in Christian studies. He went into the ministry, met the front guy of his band, learned how to play djembe, started playing a few nights a week, left the ministry, and now this is his dream. He puts the front guy up on a pedestal. To me, it is so ridiculous.
He sees him as a good father, loving husband, overall great guy. I see him as a hypocrite jerk who likes to have that appearance but who is constantly womanizing, asking women to show their tits, hugging and kissing on different women at the bar. While my man is great, the company he is keeping isn't so. But you can't just disasssociate yourself because he is the man bringing in the money. I don't think that our front guy is a bad guy, but he needs to rope himself in a bit.
Now, here is where the kicker lies for me today. They have started traveling together. Yes, a gig in a major US city. One that my guy and me went and visited this summer together. Now this is how I feel: I am uber excited for them! I think it is great that they are getting to go somewhere and be heard, this will give them a chance to open up their fan base and get their name out there, I am proud for them. but I just can't help being a little paranoid that the front man will try to pull my man down. My guy will pretty much go along with anything he says because he doesn't want to upset him. No backbone that I have seen. This is the wierd part: they are going up there a day earlier than when they have to play and don't leave until the afternoon of the next day after they play. What are they going to do with their free time? Tour the city a bit, see a major landmark that we were not able to see (first thing that came out of my bf's mouth, thanks jerk) and then what in the evening. When they went to Nashville earlier this year they did a bar crawl, sang karaokee, and then passed out at the hotel. Thing was they were with another guy in the band who is undoubtedly the greatest guy ever. He would stand up in a second to let the others now that in their drunken states they were going too far.
I trust my man. I really do. I think he is a stand up guy and a wonderful man. I think that his idolization of the front man is too much and I am worried that if the situation came up where the front man found a group of girls to woo that my man wouldn't say "na' we're good" or if the front guy decided it would be great to go to a strip club that my guy would go along. This is ridiculous the way I feel and I recognize this.
When I tried approaching my guy about this, he gets very angry thinking that I don't trust him. I do, but his infatuation scares me. why one might ask? because my last band guy had an infatuation with his rythmn guy and it wound up being a gay relationship that they were hiding. Infatuations with anyone are not good. I just wish someone was going with them that I knew would be responsible in holding them accountable.
It would make me feel so much better if when I talked to him that he would respond in a better way sot aht I knew he wasn't holding it against me when he goes up there. This shit fucking sucks. I am so upset because I know that they are going to tour together in the future and I am not always going to be there. He is setting the foundation pretty shakey right now. I almost want to run because of this. I am scared. What do I do?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
A Band Girlfriend
Hello all,
I am a band girlfriend. This is to say that my boyfriend plays in a band. For some this might seem as any ordinary relationship. For me- it is a self sacrificing bloodhound. Let me explain.
In any normal relationship, it is generally accepted that past relationships stay in the past. They don't show up at your place of work dancing seductively in front of you. They don't stare at your current mate with looks to kill. When these things happen, for sake of the band and their reputation, I am forced to stay quiet, smile sweetly, and invite them to please come out again and bring friends. Quiet while I seeth inside. While be it that my boyfriend doesn't agg them on nor does he carry on conversations with them. But nothing can be said to upset a "fan."
In another sad case, an overly drunk pair of middle aged women came up and were flashing him. Not much I can do there. He even looked down, bless his heart. I sat and still enjoyed listening and dancing. At the end of the gig, crazy drunk lady number 1 ran up to my boyfriend while he was packing his rig and shouted at him that she was never coming back up there again because of "that girl," meaning me. I guess she saw us kiss on break and got all upset in her drunken mind. I didn't even speak to her nor eye her down. It's strictly bullshit. A drunken slur of nonsense. But nonetheless, the fan is always right and always comforted. "Don't worry - I promise it will never happen again. I hope that you all come back up here soon."
Why do you put up with something like this? In all respects, my relationship is wonderful. I am the center of his attention and devotion. We go out, we stay in, we have our dogs that we treat like our children, we have mutual close friends, cook, and are constantly laughing. I can honestly say that I have never been so in love.
What got me going on this rant tonight? Drunken crazy lady from above facebooked my boyfriend asking for a friend request. Now granted, his page is full of photos of us. Hell, even his profile pic is a pic of us. I am not jealous nor am I untrusting. If that were so, I would leave this relationship immediately. Now we both are frequent face bookers' : we use it to stay in contact with our close friends and family. Our family lives out of state and it creates a means for us to share photos, stories of day, etc. I don't want these huligans in our lives, looking at our day to day, our activities, our family, searching through our photos.
So I must ask, and please do respond: when do we draw the line on how far a fan can go? Is it not too much to ask that we keep our profiles private to only friends? Can we allow fans, but just not the unruly ones? How do I approach the topic? Do you have any alternatives for us? Or am I just completely losing it because it is 5:45a and this lack of privacy has been keeping me up all night? I don't want to sacrifice our private life.
Please help.
I am a band girlfriend. This is to say that my boyfriend plays in a band. For some this might seem as any ordinary relationship. For me- it is a self sacrificing bloodhound. Let me explain.
In any normal relationship, it is generally accepted that past relationships stay in the past. They don't show up at your place of work dancing seductively in front of you. They don't stare at your current mate with looks to kill. When these things happen, for sake of the band and their reputation, I am forced to stay quiet, smile sweetly, and invite them to please come out again and bring friends. Quiet while I seeth inside. While be it that my boyfriend doesn't agg them on nor does he carry on conversations with them. But nothing can be said to upset a "fan."
In another sad case, an overly drunk pair of middle aged women came up and were flashing him. Not much I can do there. He even looked down, bless his heart. I sat and still enjoyed listening and dancing. At the end of the gig, crazy drunk lady number 1 ran up to my boyfriend while he was packing his rig and shouted at him that she was never coming back up there again because of "that girl," meaning me. I guess she saw us kiss on break and got all upset in her drunken mind. I didn't even speak to her nor eye her down. It's strictly bullshit. A drunken slur of nonsense. But nonetheless, the fan is always right and always comforted. "Don't worry - I promise it will never happen again. I hope that you all come back up here soon."
Why do you put up with something like this? In all respects, my relationship is wonderful. I am the center of his attention and devotion. We go out, we stay in, we have our dogs that we treat like our children, we have mutual close friends, cook, and are constantly laughing. I can honestly say that I have never been so in love.
What got me going on this rant tonight? Drunken crazy lady from above facebooked my boyfriend asking for a friend request. Now granted, his page is full of photos of us. Hell, even his profile pic is a pic of us. I am not jealous nor am I untrusting. If that were so, I would leave this relationship immediately. Now we both are frequent face bookers' : we use it to stay in contact with our close friends and family. Our family lives out of state and it creates a means for us to share photos, stories of day, etc. I don't want these huligans in our lives, looking at our day to day, our activities, our family, searching through our photos.
So I must ask, and please do respond: when do we draw the line on how far a fan can go? Is it not too much to ask that we keep our profiles private to only friends? Can we allow fans, but just not the unruly ones? How do I approach the topic? Do you have any alternatives for us? Or am I just completely losing it because it is 5:45a and this lack of privacy has been keeping me up all night? I don't want to sacrifice our private life.
Please help.
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