Good afternoon, Bloggers. There seems to be one issue in my life that I can't get a grip on - trust. It is something that if freely given, taken away by betrayal, and rightfully re-earned. or so it should be. .... for me my past is consumed of lies. Lies from everyone I've ever trusted whole heartedly.
It began for me at birth. My brother, who was my sole icon, was only half-brother. This was never revealed to me by my parents. The way I found out was through a very strange phone call from my half-sister (who I did know about but didn't really understand then) when I was just eleven years old. She told me her age and I put two and two together and realized that she was between me and my brother. Distraught and confused- I could only think that my father had cheated on my mother. Of course me being the ever confrontational person that I am went directly to the immediately. "Dad, how come you cheated on Mom?" "What?! - I've never had an affair. What is going on?" "Sister called and she's 15. If Brother is 21 and I'm 11 - then you had to have an affair!" "No, no, no (chuckle) -- Mom, we have a curious little girl who needs some explaining." (Mom)" You Dad and I were both married before. This doesn't mean that your Brother is any less your Brother. Your father adopted him. Just because you aren't full blood doesn't mean that you are any different than before."
Thanks parents. Then my Mom went on while in high school, shortly after my father died, and lied about money, business, you name it. I even co-signed on a loan with her so that she would have a vehicle to drive after hers blew up. Guess what- she dropped the ball on it and it was repo'd. Suck suck suck. Nevertheless, after realizing my mother as a hibitual liar, I forgave and accepted that is just Mom. Love her just as she is.
My next experience in lying was from my now ex-husband. Can you guess how that ended? Oh wait, let me just say that this all happened in six months and the mistress was really a mister. How's that for alarming?
So now, here I am. Renewed. Refreshed. and still wanting to be Rebirthed. I know that God works in mysterious ways and that to experience the unending love He provide, that I must trust Him wholeheartedly and without question. Today, I find myself in a full on romatic relationship of two years. I love this man so entirely that I think I may be losing my mind. He is such a caring and loving partner. He adores me though he isn't the mushy kind to make a deal of it in front of others or with roses and romatic jibberish. He takes care of my when I am sick, he has adopted my pups as his own (which we all lovingly refer to eachother as Mommy & Daddy), and takes me on the most amazing trips around the country.
My problem- I just feel like I have to keep my defenses up. Why???? I can only keep returning to the issue that involved my ex-husband. His mister was a good friend of his. One that fought with him and messaged him in the wierdest times. I am now so worried that I can't trust my love to have friends. That is so selfish and ridiculous of me. I know that if I can't get over my emotions - they will control me and eventually grind away at the new love that I've found.
Problem is - my new love has become so fed up with my ridiculousnes that he has started making little white lies. Lies only about his past because from what I did know about his past, I went nuts. No exes (even if they were just dates) on FB, no photos with them in it, no journals, no furniture that you had together, no gifts, nothing. I'm driving myself crazy.
While I should be ravishing and rolled up in the love of this man, I am too busy obsessing about what has happened in the past and worrying that he loves me more than he has ever loved before.
Suggestions, comments, anything would be appreciated. Please tell me that I am not alone.
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