Trust- a revolvoing account for all

Good afternoon, Bloggers. There seems to be one issue in my life that I can't get a grip on - trust. It is something that if freely given, taken away by betrayal, and rightfully re-earned. or so it should be. .... for me my past is consumed of lies. Lies from everyone I've ever trusted whole heartedly.

It began for me at birth. My brother, who was my sole icon, was only half-brother. This was never revealed to me by my parents. The way I found out was through a very strange phone call from my half-sister (who I did know about but didn't really understand then) when I was just eleven years old. She told me her age and I put two and two together and realized that she was between me and my brother. Distraught and confused- I could only think that my father had cheated on my mother. Of course me being the ever confrontational person that I am went directly to the immediately. "Dad, how come you cheated on Mom?" "What?! - I've never had an affair. What is going on?" "Sister called and she's 15. If Brother is 21 and I'm 11 - then you had to have an affair!" "No, no, no (chuckle) -- Mom, we have a curious little girl who needs some explaining." (Mom)" You Dad and I were both married before. This doesn't mean that your Brother is any less your Brother. Your father adopted him. Just because you aren't full blood doesn't mean that you are any different than before."

Thanks parents. Then my Mom went on while in high school, shortly after my father died, and lied about money, business, you name it. I even co-signed on a loan with her so that she would have a vehicle to drive after hers blew up. Guess what- she dropped the ball on it and it was repo'd. Suck suck suck. Nevertheless, after realizing my mother as a hibitual liar, I forgave and accepted that is just Mom. Love her just as she is.

My next experience in lying was from my now ex-husband. Can you guess how that ended? Oh wait, let me just say that this all happened in six months and the mistress was really a mister. How's that for alarming?

So now, here I am. Renewed. Refreshed. and still wanting to be Rebirthed. I know that God works in mysterious ways and that to experience the unending love He provide, that I must trust Him wholeheartedly and without question. Today, I find myself in a full on romatic relationship of two years. I love this man so entirely that I think I may be losing my mind. He is such a caring and loving partner. He adores me though he isn't the mushy kind to make a deal of it in front of others or with roses and romatic jibberish. He takes care of my when I am sick, he has adopted my pups as his own (which we all lovingly refer to eachother as Mommy & Daddy), and takes me on the most amazing trips around the country.

My problem- I just feel like I have to keep my defenses up. Why???? I can only keep returning to the issue that involved my ex-husband. His mister was a good friend of his. One that fought with him and messaged him in the wierdest times. I am now so worried that I can't trust my love to have friends. That is so selfish and ridiculous of me. I know that if I can't get over my emotions - they will control me and eventually grind away at the new love that I've found.

Problem is - my new love has become so fed up with my ridiculousnes that he has started making little white lies. Lies only about his past because from what I did know about his past, I went nuts. No exes (even if they were just dates) on FB, no photos with them in it, no journals, no furniture that you had together, no gifts, nothing. I'm driving myself crazy.

While I should be ravishing and rolled up in the love of this man, I am too busy obsessing about what has happened in the past and worrying that he loves me more than he has ever loved before.

Suggestions, comments, anything would be appreciated. Please tell me that I am not alone.

Why Why oh Why

It's been a while since I've posted. I guess that's the life of a twenty-something woman. It's a bit fast paced. So today's topic on my mind is that of the break up(s). I am inspired to write because two of my dearest friends have decided to part ways. The reason - mutual respect. While one side of me wants to reach out and knock them both in the head the other side of me is a reflection of myself and the experiences that I have had.

This idea of mutual respect is something that I myself have struggled with and have seen many many other couples struggle in the grasp for identity as a "we." The most common way this little monster shows itself is in the topic of heterosexual friendships.
From a females perspective, we find ourselves in relationships with great wonderful men that fulfill our every needs, but seem to think that "hanging out" with another female friend alone is acceptable. It is not. Anyone woman worth her weight knows that all siingle girls are out to mingle and if we want special time alone with a guy our goal is to rope him into our seduction to have him for ourselves. Guys just don't seem to understand that women are not the little princesses that they imagined in their dreams. You know the ones who carry daisies and can't think of anything evil. The truth of our existence is to procreate. We want that tall handsome guy who is compassionate, loyal, and everyones' favorite friend. Trouble is - those guys always seem to appear in relationships. 
From a males perspective, they just don't want to be harnessed. Their significant other should not be a whip snapping guardian. No one holds the rights to tell them who and what they can or can not do. So when a woman brings up the idea that they disapprove of the "hang out" time with another female "friend" they flip. Like a caged animal burning with fire frantically trying to escape, that is just what they do. They push they scream and their ultimate way to find safety is to escape, with no concern if they injure themselves in the process.
I've seen it time and time again and to me the only resolve is to just shout! It is not okay! It is not okay! Femals and males don't just "hang out" unless one or more parties has a different perogative than just friends. Single time is precious and those 6 hours that you have between work and sleep just aren't mean to be wasted with some "no product" prospect.
Guys wake up! Girls want men! We don't think you're out to get laid, but we know that girls want commitment and will do anything to have all your attention. It just is not appropriate to put yourself in a situation where compromises or perogatives can be encouraged.

So for the journey we are creating, this is the thought for the day. I hope my dear friends can come to an agreement. I really do.

The Besties

Okay girls, you know that one person other than your momma who you'd let go into the doctors office with you.... that's right, your Bestie! These girls are the real deal. The ones who have cried with you in your heartache, shook their fists at the moon with you, laughed until soda came out your nose, and would be there for you even if you were under concrete. As ACDC would say, to those about to rock, we salute you!!!
Today's blog is a special thanks and recognition to these ladies. Without you, surviving our twenties would be unbearable. Who else would even understand what you are talking about? Exactly.
So go today and tell that special someone just how much they mean to you. Yep, get up out of your chair, pick up the phone, or put on your walking shoes and go tell them. They deserve to hear it. It just might be the thing they need today.
Go on, get outta here!

Exam Cram...wait no, scram!

What better way to start the day than a sausage biscuit? This is my routine: every morning on my way in to work, I grab an o' so delicious sausage biscuit and large diet coke from BK. The soft buttery texture combined with the sweet yet spicy splendor help to make my mind free to be productive and creative.

I consider myself to be one of the very fortunate souls who can honestly say that I love my job. Accounting....yep, I said it. I love accounting. From the time that I was a wee gal I've counted my steps, made the organized plans, "mother hen"ed the events, and found every last detail.

People have the wrong impression about accounting though. They think of the "Producers" wonderful scene of green bills and arm bands clinking around on ten keys while scrutinizing over-sized journal ledgers and hating the wordly existence of life. Not the case my friends. Today's accounting is creative and not in the sketchy way. It takes skill and profieciency to deal with today's complex accounts and issues. I am constantly having to find creative ways to solve problems.

So everyday, I eat my biscuit, light my jar candle (ambiance isn't just for the bedroom), and begin to unravel the comings and goings of life in it's greatest form. Money. "Money makes the world go around, the world go around" (Cabaret). I sit in my office and enjoy the peace that the solidity of the numbers provides. I find rythmn in its consistency. Not that everday is peachy, but I can say that I do my best and at the end of the day, I hang my hat with comfort.

At home, I settle into a comfy spot on the couch. Enjoy an episode of my favorite show, "Ghost Whisperer" and relax with the love of my life. After I unwind, I get the pleasure, and I do mean pleasure, of cooking. I love to eat and it makes sense that I love to cook. Not just cooking, but creating. Everytime I step up and hold those beautifully sharpened knives and engulf myself in the smell that olive oil releases right as it reaches the optimal heat, I release my soul into a sphere that I am certain God created just so I would know what a small taste of heaven might be.